The mind is a terrible thing to listen to

I find the more you sit and think the more you can make things up as you go along. I realize that people do not sit around and think about me like I do about them. I am the one that people say they never want to become. I even said that once.
I sit here and think why I don't get invited to parties or even shopping. I am the one I would avoid if I were put in that position.
And sitting here realizing how much I have alienated myself from my friends and my family over the years. I don't know how to get it back. You can undo what you did. Once you say something hurtful you can't take it back. You can say you are sorry. But it doesn't make it go away.
That is why I don't understand how a judge can tell the jury to disregard a statement. How do you do that? Just go in your head and erase that thought? I don't think that really works. The judge says that and hopes that they do it. Do they? No. I don't think so. I think that is why the lawyer will set up that situation. To get someone to make a statement admitting to their guilt, but opposing counsel will object to it so the judge will take that away. Erase from record, but not from the minds of the jury.

We all have a jury in our lives. Some are friends, some are family. Others are observers. Facebook and Myspace have created a larger jury for ourselves to spew our statements, feelings, ideas at. They have created a larger pool of mean spirited people who will say what they feel because they won't see the faces of the people they hurt. What they see won't bother them. But what about the people they hurt? Why is ok to do that? Even if they deserve it?
I hate that. You can say something about someone now and it will live forever. Even if you delete it. Archives save it all.
Blogs are the same thing. You sit here and give your rant. You can be anonymous like I am and talk about the people in your lives and how much you hate what they do and they will never be the wiser. Or will they?
Or you can go on Facebook or Myspace, gather your friends and family and spew your guts about all the mean things that have gone on and how mad you are at someone. What is the worst they can do? They just delete you. Right? No. Because what you have said is in print for other people to see. Hurting that person even more.
I have successfully alienated my self from a long time friend. And not via the internet. Just life. But I used the internet to make her feel bad one last time and then I blocked her. Who am I kidding? Do I really think that blocking her is going to stop it from continuing? She can find out more through mutual friends. So what do I do? I block them from my posts. Got it all figured out! Well, NOW they figured out what I blocked them from my posts and they deleted me. Anyone else I missed deleted me as well. Darn. Now I no longer have over 200 friends. Heh. Did I ever?


And sitting here thinking of clever one liners to put on my status has become boring and mundane. It has become work to try and be the most clever out there. I know these websites' initial motivation was to bring the world together one friend at a time. In some cases it has torn apart marriages and families because people can be so thoughtless or self-centered. Cruel. Myself included.

I have had way too much time alone to think. The mind is a terrible thing to listen to. If you sit long enough you can make up an entire scenario of something that would work on a Soap Opera or The Hallmark Channel. It is too much TV and too much internet. Oh and TruTV, well that is a whole other ball of wax. (really a ball of wax? who thought up that one!)

I am not sure what more I can say. I feel like I have ruined relationships being online, yet I am so addicted to being online I don't think I can stop. I really need to get a life. There was a time where I was on here A LOT. Way too much. I got burned and backed off. Now, Facebook has only encouraged me to put my foot in my mouth way too much.

If I don't like something I don't have to broadcast it. What point is it make it a post that I hate fake people? Doesn't everyone? Or why should I have to tell the world I am going to bed? Or what day of the week it is? Seriously? Why have I become like this? UGH!

I have learned that the power of the word is way stronger online than I thought. Than ANYONE THINKS. I am finding out one delete at a time.

Life is what it is

I have tried to understand why people don't like me. I have asked what I do wrong. If it is something I say, do or don't do. You know people won't answer that question. They will not tell you to your face what it is you do wrong. But they will FREELY tell everyone who will listen what an annoying little twit I am. Well, I think that is what they say. I don't know. Because I can't find anyone who will tell me what is being said about me behind my back. The few people who don't care one way or another wouldn't know what is being said. Because they don't care one way or another. Ya I said that already.

What I would like to do is not care either. I mean not care that my family doesn't include me in things going on. Not care that the office will not include me on what is going on for other associates. And not care that as I sit home after surgery not one person from work has emailed me or responded to me posts. I want to scream until every vein pops out of my head. Why do they not care???? What is it that is so taboo about me? I mean honestly, there is an associate in the office that has THE MOST annoying laugh on the planet. She is so LOUD. And they like her. Another one, well she insults everyone that she comes in contact with and virtually calls everyone, including herself, a moron daily. No one does anything right in her book. But they like her. And the other one, well she whines about her love life, her weight, her stomach, her Dad, the weather, and other associates, and they like her. I do at least all that I listed, and maybe throw in my own complaints and ailments and NO ONE can stand me. Well, they tolerate me. They thought I was faking being sick because there seemed to be a sickness going around. They thought I was trying to garner sympathy. Boy did they feel stupid when I actually was sick enough to end up in the ER and eventually operated on. They don't feel sorry. They just feel stupid. And do you think they could send me a card or flowers? Oh hell no. They don't like me. I don't want to go back to a place that doesn't like me.
How do I snap out of this? All I ever wanted, all I have ever hungered, was for people to like me. Call me, friend me, go out with me. Love me. Want to hang with me. Share with me. And I can't seem to get people to do that. Even online, if I go into a chatroom, I seem to annoy people there and they boot me out. What am I doing wrong? What vibe am I giving off? And why won't anyone take me seriously about this?
When I ask for them to tell me what I am doing wrong, I mean it. Seriously. Just tell me. And then I will know. Simple as that. But is is like I am trying to get them to tell me their password to their bank account. They are not budging. So I go online and blog it. I still can't get people to give me an opinion on what they THINK it could be. I can't even get people to read my blogs. I don't know how to tag them to get people's attention. Do I sound like Eyore yet? I guess I had better go now...(monotone)

Ignorance

They say ignorance is bliss. But really, it is not. It is lonely. Because when you are ignorant to what is going on out there, you are essentially sitting on your couch watching TV while the whole world passes you by. You don't go anywhere you don't do anything because you don't know what is out there.

Ignorance is a handicap when it comes to life. When it gets down to it, you don't know how to react to things or how to say thank you and mean it. You can't share a life with someone when you are ignorant. You don't know how to share.

Ignorance is not a good thing. It just makes what you look like on the inside, become outside. And that is so ugly, no one wants to see it. You become detached from the world and start to not care about anything. Ignorance is like a wart that keeps getting bigger, and more unsightly.

Hiding behind your ignorance only makes people dislike you. Because if you really cared, people would too. About you. About where you are and what you are doing. You can't believe that being ignorant to things makes the rest of your life easier. It just makes it more complicated getting through the muck and the mire of ignorance.
It just makes a mess.

Just say you don't care. Just say you don't want to know. Don't play the ignorance card like some play the race card. You can't get out of it by playing it. It shows on your face. And no one feels sorry for someone who plays the card when it is so obvious that it IS your fault. Or maybe not fault but that you meant what you said. Ignorance doesn't cover mean words or un-rings the bell. It is out there. Ignorance only makes you look worse.

Frustrating

Growing up I thought being an adult was all about sitting at the kitchen table smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee, complaining about life, and gossiping about other people. Little did I know there were good things to talk about too!
Boy was it awkward when I sat down and started bitching one day and they looked at me and asked: "Don't you have anything positive to talk about?"

I am always the last to know, late for dinner or totally clueless about things. I don't know if it is for the lack of trying or just my sheer ignorance to what is going on around me. I try not to get involved with family things because it really hardly ever has to do with me. So I really shouldn't bitch about anyone because I just know the whole story. True. Because I don't want to know.

It is hard when you grew up with negativity to be positive about things. I tried. I would come to those kitchen table conversations with a positive attitude and felt I could turn this conversation around. I would try to put a positive spin on things. Only to have them tell me I am too young to understand and I should just keep my mouth shut.

I have never been old enough to understand anything. Or I am still young, and have a lot to learn. Um..I am 45. I think I have learned about a few things by now. And according to my children, I am old.

Never good enough for them.